Long time... no post

So its been awhile since I last posted. For that I am sorry.

God has shaken up my life quite a bit this year... but all for His glory I am sure.

I graduated from the Great Commission Bible Institute in May and moved back to Idaho with my parents. At the end of the month my parents sat me down and said they needed to talk with me. Uncertain of what was going on I was a little nervous. But what they had to say changed my life forever. "Your dad wrote you a letter".

Now in order for you to understand what that statement means I need to give you some background.
When I was three days old my parents gave me up for adoption. My adopted parents, Bruce and Nancy, raised me with me knowing I was adopted. For me I always had a missing part. I had thousands of questions. And a lot of pain. I didn't know a ton about my adoption except that my parents were young and unable to raise a child. I knew that they were engaged but called off the engagement after I was born. That was all the information I had... until one day. I was upstairs vacuuming the floors which was a weekly choir of mine. I was in my parents closet when I remember hitting something with the nose of the vacuum. Normally I would have just ignored the bump and continue to vacuum so I could go outside and play with my dog. But that day, for some odd reason, I couldn't just "move on". I pushed aside the cloths that were blocking my view and saw a metal safe. On top of the safe was a large yellow envelope. I knew I shouldn't be poking my head in other peoples business... but being me "knowing" and "doing" are two very different things. I opened the envelope and the word "adoption" caught my attention immediately. I remember my heart pounding and hands sweating. I felt dizzy and nauseous. I quickly took the papers into my room and started sorting through everything.
There were a lot of legal papers at first but then I saw a smaller envelope with the words "Stacey's Personal". It took me awhile to open that particular envelope because I couldn't move my hands... I was frozen. It was like opening up me... this was going to tell me who I was and what happened... that is huge! After what seemed like an hour I managed to break the seal and reach inside. I pulled out a letter and a picture. The thoughts that were going through my head... are very hard to describe. When I looked at the picture I felt this indescribable connection... These where the only people in the world that I was related to... and I looked like them! Growing up I never looked different... but there was no "family resemblance". The letter explained why I was given up and how loved I was then and now. The tears I cried where happy but also sad. For every feeling I felt there was the opposite: happy/sad, calm/angry, loved/hated...
Now that I had a letter and picture I needed to know more... I wanted to find them. At the time I was only 16 so legally I could only contact them through the agency. The next day I wrote a letter to both of them... it took me all day to get the letter perfect... Writing a letter to your parents should be an easy thing to do but for me I had no idea what to say or how to say it. I didn't even know if they wanted to hear from me. Would I bring up past pain? Would they even read the letter? Would they be mad that I wrote? Would I ruin their life by writing? Even though I was terrified to write/send the letter... I needed to do it. This was the start of my painful journey...
For the next six months I waited by the mailbox for a letter from my parents. Everyday. Rain or shine. I hated holidays because the mail didn't come. I rearranged my schedule so I would be home when the mailman arrived... even if it meant missing parties, movies or sport/school activities. The mailman knew me by name and everyday he would say to me "No letter today, Hun". Every night I would beg and plead to God for a letter. Every morning I would wait and watch the clock. Every afternoon I would race to the mailbox. Every evening I would cry and feel rejected. These steps were repeated each and every day. This went on for 6 months.
This was my daily routine and I was sick of it. I was mad, hurt, rejected, and forgotten. I started punishing myself for all the pain I had caused my biological parents. My self worth went out the window. I hated me. I hated my life.

I smiled when people asked about my adoption. I hide the picture and letter. I no longer waited by the mailbox. I no longer cried. I no longer cared. It no longer mattered.

That is what I made people think. This was my mask.

Everyday I heard the mailman and my heart would ache. Every time I talked about my adoption I got cut deeper. Every night I would take out the letter and read it... the words started to appear as lies. Inside I was sobbing. Everyday I cared more. This was the only thing that mattered to me.

This was the truth. This is what nobody saw.

I lived like this for 5 years. My mask got stronger, the hurt got deeper.

Now maybe you have a better understanding of what "Your Dad wrote you a letter" meant to me.
The letter was perfect. Everything I had wanted.

I found my Dad on Facebook and added him as a friend. He and I began building our relationship and making up for lost time over chat. A week later he invited me out to visit him and his family... for a family reunion. I hadn't even talked to my Dad over the phone and now I was going to fly out and visit him! It was crazy! Two weeks later I was getting off the plane in the Las Vegas airport about to live out an answer to prayer... but I was scared.
I remember walking towards baggage claim where I would meet my Dad. I scanned many faces looking for his. Then I saw him. I was shaking. I couldn't breathe. I was dizzy. I was terrified. Part of me wanted to turn around and go back to what I knew. The other part of me was dying to be in his arms... a place I had only dreamed about. That's when he saw me and I couldn't stop the tears... I was so happy. For the first time in my life I felt secure. I remember my Dad whispering in my ear "I love you baby girl" over and over again... This was where I was supposed to be. All the pain and hurt disappeared... for the first time I was happy... and just happy... no negative feelings. It was so foreign to me!
I was there for two weeks. I met my step mom, brothers, sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins... and their friends. It was insane! I finally felt at home. The church family welcomed me and everything was perfect. That's when I knew I had to stay... So over the course of two weeks I made plans to move to Vegas for the summer. And that still wasn't enough so I registered for school and am now living here permanently for awhile.

I also got the chance to be connected with my Mom during this summer. I was able to visit her and start a relationship with her and her family as well. But this is another story and it will have to wait till later :)

This year 2009, I have lived out an answer to prayer, got an additional 4 parents, 3 brothers, 3 sisters, and a lot of extended family :)