Long time... no post

So its been awhile since I last posted. For that I am sorry.

God has shaken up my life quite a bit this year... but all for His glory I am sure.

I graduated from the Great Commission Bible Institute in May and moved back to Idaho with my parents. At the end of the month my parents sat me down and said they needed to talk with me. Uncertain of what was going on I was a little nervous. But what they had to say changed my life forever. "Your dad wrote you a letter".

Now in order for you to understand what that statement means I need to give you some background.
When I was three days old my parents gave me up for adoption. My adopted parents, Bruce and Nancy, raised me with me knowing I was adopted. For me I always had a missing part. I had thousands of questions. And a lot of pain. I didn't know a ton about my adoption except that my parents were young and unable to raise a child. I knew that they were engaged but called off the engagement after I was born. That was all the information I had... until one day. I was upstairs vacuuming the floors which was a weekly choir of mine. I was in my parents closet when I remember hitting something with the nose of the vacuum. Normally I would have just ignored the bump and continue to vacuum so I could go outside and play with my dog. But that day, for some odd reason, I couldn't just "move on". I pushed aside the cloths that were blocking my view and saw a metal safe. On top of the safe was a large yellow envelope. I knew I shouldn't be poking my head in other peoples business... but being me "knowing" and "doing" are two very different things. I opened the envelope and the word "adoption" caught my attention immediately. I remember my heart pounding and hands sweating. I felt dizzy and nauseous. I quickly took the papers into my room and started sorting through everything.
There were a lot of legal papers at first but then I saw a smaller envelope with the words "Stacey's Personal". It took me awhile to open that particular envelope because I couldn't move my hands... I was frozen. It was like opening up me... this was going to tell me who I was and what happened... that is huge! After what seemed like an hour I managed to break the seal and reach inside. I pulled out a letter and a picture. The thoughts that were going through my head... are very hard to describe. When I looked at the picture I felt this indescribable connection... These where the only people in the world that I was related to... and I looked like them! Growing up I never looked different... but there was no "family resemblance". The letter explained why I was given up and how loved I was then and now. The tears I cried where happy but also sad. For every feeling I felt there was the opposite: happy/sad, calm/angry, loved/hated...
Now that I had a letter and picture I needed to know more... I wanted to find them. At the time I was only 16 so legally I could only contact them through the agency. The next day I wrote a letter to both of them... it took me all day to get the letter perfect... Writing a letter to your parents should be an easy thing to do but for me I had no idea what to say or how to say it. I didn't even know if they wanted to hear from me. Would I bring up past pain? Would they even read the letter? Would they be mad that I wrote? Would I ruin their life by writing? Even though I was terrified to write/send the letter... I needed to do it. This was the start of my painful journey...
For the next six months I waited by the mailbox for a letter from my parents. Everyday. Rain or shine. I hated holidays because the mail didn't come. I rearranged my schedule so I would be home when the mailman arrived... even if it meant missing parties, movies or sport/school activities. The mailman knew me by name and everyday he would say to me "No letter today, Hun". Every night I would beg and plead to God for a letter. Every morning I would wait and watch the clock. Every afternoon I would race to the mailbox. Every evening I would cry and feel rejected. These steps were repeated each and every day. This went on for 6 months.
This was my daily routine and I was sick of it. I was mad, hurt, rejected, and forgotten. I started punishing myself for all the pain I had caused my biological parents. My self worth went out the window. I hated me. I hated my life.

I smiled when people asked about my adoption. I hide the picture and letter. I no longer waited by the mailbox. I no longer cried. I no longer cared. It no longer mattered.

That is what I made people think. This was my mask.

Everyday I heard the mailman and my heart would ache. Every time I talked about my adoption I got cut deeper. Every night I would take out the letter and read it... the words started to appear as lies. Inside I was sobbing. Everyday I cared more. This was the only thing that mattered to me.

This was the truth. This is what nobody saw.

I lived like this for 5 years. My mask got stronger, the hurt got deeper.

Now maybe you have a better understanding of what "Your Dad wrote you a letter" meant to me.
The letter was perfect. Everything I had wanted.

I found my Dad on Facebook and added him as a friend. He and I began building our relationship and making up for lost time over chat. A week later he invited me out to visit him and his family... for a family reunion. I hadn't even talked to my Dad over the phone and now I was going to fly out and visit him! It was crazy! Two weeks later I was getting off the plane in the Las Vegas airport about to live out an answer to prayer... but I was scared.
I remember walking towards baggage claim where I would meet my Dad. I scanned many faces looking for his. Then I saw him. I was shaking. I couldn't breathe. I was dizzy. I was terrified. Part of me wanted to turn around and go back to what I knew. The other part of me was dying to be in his arms... a place I had only dreamed about. That's when he saw me and I couldn't stop the tears... I was so happy. For the first time in my life I felt secure. I remember my Dad whispering in my ear "I love you baby girl" over and over again... This was where I was supposed to be. All the pain and hurt disappeared... for the first time I was happy... and just happy... no negative feelings. It was so foreign to me!
I was there for two weeks. I met my step mom, brothers, sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins... and their friends. It was insane! I finally felt at home. The church family welcomed me and everything was perfect. That's when I knew I had to stay... So over the course of two weeks I made plans to move to Vegas for the summer. And that still wasn't enough so I registered for school and am now living here permanently for awhile.

I also got the chance to be connected with my Mom during this summer. I was able to visit her and start a relationship with her and her family as well. But this is another story and it will have to wait till later :)

This year 2009, I have lived out an answer to prayer, got an additional 4 parents, 3 brothers, 3 sisters, and a lot of extended family :)

Numbers 22

Numbers 22:22
“The Unlikely Messenger”

Today I was reading the infamous story of the talking donkey. We all love this story, especially animal lovers like me ;)
As I dug deeper into the story I wanted to figure out how this particular story applies to me…in the 21st century, Sebring, Florida.
Because of Balaam’s blindness, God used the most unlikely source to get his attention. Sometimes in our Christian walk… or even if are not following Him… God uses people in our life, or seemly meaningless situations to convey a message. As a Christian I need to look at everything through different eyes, through God’s eyes. Pain, problems, and prosperity.
I don’t know about you, but if my mode of transportation started talking to me I would do 3 things. 1st jump out of my skin, 2nd tell myself I’m going insane and how scientifically it couldn’t happen, then 3rd shut up and listen (which should have been the first step). The Bible tells us that Balaam had has this donkey all his life (vs.30). It wasn’t just some donkey he just picked up, he knew this animal in and out. What struck me silly was the fact that once Balaam’s donkey talked, he immediately defended himself by saying “Because you have made a mockery of me! If there had been a sword in my hand, I would have killed you by now. (vs. 29)” What the heck?! How easy it is for us to cover-up our wrong actions by defending them as right… and threatening to harm because of a just and right accusation. After the donkey proved his loyalty and made him feel stupid with her logic, that’s when Balaam shut-up. At the end of the story it was the donkey who saved his life! How cool is that 
Balaam didn’t take the donkey’s actions or words seriously. The three times his animal turned off the road, he beat it. God was trying to get his attention, but Balaams ear was not tuned to the Lord’s radio station. When we are going in the wrong direction, against God, the right will always seem wrong. We will either feel convicted or just be totally numb to Gods signs.
This is how I feel this story applies to me. I’m not a fancy speaker, I’m young, and I don’t seem like someone to take seriously, but God can use me to convey a message. That message is LOOK OUT! I can tell people that there may not be an angel with a drawn sword right in front of them, but a life without Jesus is a path leading to a lake of fire and brimstone (Rev. 19:20). LOOK OUT because their life could be leading to death! Jesus loves them and He wants their heart. In John 15:9 Jesus says “As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Now remain in my love.” Christ love for us is so deep and true… He died a painful and agonizing death so that we could come before God clean and pure. What a sacrifice! What love! What an amazing message to share!
In Numbers 22:34, I saw that when we mess up, admit our sin, realize what to change and actually CHANGE it, God puts us back on track with HIS mission, not our own. Balaam did what God told him to do. In verse 38 Balaam says “… the word that God puts in my mouth, that I shall speak.” He continues to obey and follow Gods command. Balaam didn’t change his mind once he felt “off the hook”, he didn’t change his actions once the angel with the sword was out of sight.

From this chapter I realized four things:
1st God can use unlikely things to get my attention.
2nd I need to tune my heart to His station.
3rd God can use me, even if I feel like an improbable tool.
4th Once I turn my life around, choose to follow Him, and obey Him completely He forgives me and I can continue on His mission for me.

Home-sickness.


That dreadful and haunting word.


I remember telling my parents before I left Idaho that I would not get homesick, but I was very wrong. The first month flew by and the days were filled with learning the Bible, how to live with 11 other students, and settling in. Now that I am settled in, I'm beginning to miss home and my family. It so funny because the things I miss most are small and .... minor. Like I miss my Dad's hugs before bed, seeing my mother cooking breakfast in the kitchen each morning, arguing with my brother, pulling up into the driveway and having my dogs greet me, closing the door to my room and having alone time, and going to church with my parents to worship our God and King. These things seem insignificant but are surprisingly missed.
I am so thankful for cell phones and the internet but it is still hard not having a face-to-face conversation with a family member. God has blessed me INCREDIBLY with an AMAZING roommate and I honestly don't know what I would do with out her... but still the loneliness exists. You would think with all these people surrounding me loneliness would be the last thing on the list, but that's not the case :)
Through all of this I have learned to appreciate my family and to understand how precious those moments are when we're together. I've also learned that God is ALWAYS there for me, no matter what. He has been my steady and constant friend through all of this. No one knows me better than He does :)
I know that I belong here in Sebring Fl. I'm very happy here and love everyone: my classmates, the church family, and all the kids at the schools. I'm so privileged to be here and praise God for His abundant and many blessings!

God did something very amazing this morning. I spoke at Chapel to around a hundred or more kids. I was nervous and uncertain about my speech. What did I have to say? I didn't have a dramatic testimony nor was I a dramatic youth group speaker. We started off Chapel with singing praises to our God and King and after that it was my time to take the stage. Before I got up to speak I prayed for God to show me if this was where He wanted me to be and if He was near. I asked Him to use my mouth to tell His Word, that His Holy Spirit would be in me and stir the hearts of the listeners. I started off my speech by introducing myself and jumped into how I ended up in Sebring, Florida from Moscow, Idaho. I told them how my heart was filled with selfish wants, desires, and plans. And how the mission trip changed my life when I visited a poor dying man. How after singing to him and praying over him he told us he wanted to give us something but he had nothing to give, but that he would be praying for us that the Lord would bless me and show me His mercy and love. I realized then and there that I had so much to give but I had forgotten the Lord. This was how my life was changed. My roots were ripped out of the earth and God planted them in Heaven so that the fruit I produced would be reachable to the hungry. I told them that I have given myself and everything I have to Christ. To Him be the Glory!!!
When I finished and Chapel was over two people came over to me and thanked me for what I had said. All I could say was that it was the Holy Spirit and nothing that I had done or said. I noticed a girl I had never met before... she was talking to the girl beside me. I introduced my self and immediately she pulled me aside and started talking to me. She said, "I enjoyed what you said and halfway through your speech God told me to tell you that He knows you, you're in the right place, that He is going to bring you out of your comfort zone to bring glory to Him, that many people are going to come to Christ through you, and that hardships and troubles are in your future but don't forget that I (God) will always be there." She concluded by saying "I was scared to come over and talk to you because I'm only 13, but every time I resisted something pushed me towards you" I started crying because this was exactly what I had prayed for. He has a huge plan for me and He told me so through a 13 year old girl who I had never met before. God has told me that I do have trials and hardships in my future, but He will be there and get me through all of it. Praise be to God! I learned this morning not to underestimate prayer because God does hear and answer prayer. He is my comforter, my king, and my God. As soon as I gave my whole self up to Him and started living my life to glorify God, He showed me that He is there, right beside me. I cannot explain with words what I felt or what I am feeling. All I want to do is praise God!! I keep my eyes fixed on God on His throne and to see Jesus with open arms saying "you did it, you made it, my good and faithful servant"

In His holy and precious name,
Stacey

I am writing from the wonderful world of humid and hot Florida! Here I am attending Great Commissions Bible Institute. I have been blessed by the Lord and am so honored that He has given me this incredible opportunity. I just wanted to share what has been happening these past three weeks and how God has been changing my life...

God is working wonders and has opened the public school doors for us. We are leading worship in four schools (middle and high) once a week. Our goal is to reach the hurting, abused, hungry, lost, and needing kids in our school systems. So far the kids have welcomed us with open arms and relationships are already forming. Please pray that the Lord would send the young children and teens to us, so we can share God's undying love with them.
One of my classmates, Kayla, and I are working on starting a group called Girl Talk. We would love to use Girl Talk to reach out to the young women in the community. Many of these girls are walking down a road of sin and need encouragement and guidance. Please pray that we would be able to kick off Girl Talk in the next few weeks. Also, that God would send us girls who need our help and Christ in their life. One of the area's I'm personally struggling with is how to communicate to them that God is our Father... because many girls in the public school have little or no father figure in their life... some even have abusive fathers. How can I get across to them that God loves them and has set rules and boundaries for their good and safty, not for an opportunity to control and hurt? I personally need and would appreciate prayer in this area.
The Spirit of God is certainly here surrounding me! My friends and I were at Wal-mart hanging out, just looking at magazines and postcards, when a lady with a small child came up to us and asked if we were Christians and if we attended church. It took us by surprise because none of us had been talking about Christianity or church, much less anything in particular. We were able to hook her up with a church and share our faith. Please pray that this woman would see the need of Christ in her life and that the church would welcome her with open arms!

So far this year has been amazing and God has become so real and personal to me. My life has completely changed and my mindset of ministry has gotten much more grand! My life is completely His! I have learned to not clutch onto worldly things, but to open my hands wide. So when He asks for them I give freely and without hesitation.

Thank you for your prayers! I greatly appreciate them and am praying for you all as well!

In Christ's Holy and Majestic Name!

~Stacey